Movies and TV…. God where the fuck did we go wrong?
Alright, I know I’ve posted on this shit before, Trendfags: Twilight and whatnot, but its time for a broader generalization on the subject, you know the drill, lets skip the pleasantries.
Movies
Movies today….where do I begin without repeating myself…. Fuck it. Twilight. What the fuck. One of the most hideous fucking book to movie conversions I think I’ve ever seen…. next to the harry potter series, that is. Bella and Edward, Bella and Edward, BELLA AND EDWARD!@# …. Oh, and that random asshole Jacob too….all I see around the place is goddamned twilight merchandise. What, it’s not good enough that the books will sell more than they did before, you need “Team Jacob” “Team Edward” etc shirts, mugs, everyotherfuckingthing aswell? Jesus christ, movies seem to have gone from being entertaining 2 hour timewasters to 2 hour long merchandise ads. AND YOU BASTARDS EAT IT UP. Fuck sake.
Same goes for Harry Potter, a successful book franchise gets demonically fucked up the ass by hollywood studios and turned into a giant festering turd in the bottom of the toilet bowl, that won’t flush, that smells like last nights nachos, and corn. (I’m not a Harry Potter fan at all, period, but its also sad to see.) Books books and more books are sold, more merchandise is created that costs more per item than it did to view the damned movie. For shame. Why not think up something original? Or atleast partially original? Goddamnit.
My hats off to Writer/Director Troy Duffy however for The Boondock Saints, one of the greatest movies I’ve ever seen. Period. While obviously based around Quentin Tarantino’s formula of storytelling, Boondock in its own right is Original, Intriguing and entertaining. Sure, there is merchandise with BDS logos on it, but nothing over the top, since the merch is aimed at the cult audiences of it, not every son of a bitch on the planet that thinks they’re cool for having a harry potter cape or a team edward shirt. [Missy: BDS is a great movie, and I've actually never seen any shitty merchandise. Win.]
Hats off also to aformentioned Writer/Director Quentin Tarantino. RESERVOIR DOGS WAS FUCKING SUPERB. Ditto for Pulp Fiction, now THEY are examples of original movies that are just great.
Also…. in all the movies I tipped my hat to, there are no vampires, no wizards, no witches, no otherworldy crap, just great storylines set in the real world. God I’m sick of vampires. Completely and utterly.
Speaking of otherworldy crap, The Lord of the Rings trilogy was shit. That is it. To quote Randal from Clerks II: “Those fuckin’ hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was, was a bunch of people walking, three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano.” Nuff Said. [Missy: The books kick the movie's ass. Hands down.]
Kevin Smith, you are my God. That is all.
REMAKES. WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE SO MANY REMAKES?! For christs sake leave a dead franchise dead, don’t remake it trying to make money off an established name. MTV, I’m looking at you with your Rocky Horror remake, and the makers of the Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street remakes. You sad bastards. Rob Zombie failed at Halloween, doesn’t that give you an indication nobody gives a fuck? Nothing will beat Johnny Depp getting pulled into his bed and a blood fountain ensuing, or Kevin Bacon getting an arrow through his throat. ever. Leave franchises alone, and fuck off. The exception to the rule is Star Trek. That was cool. Leave everything dead and buried and in the minds of the fans like it should be, not butchered and raped on a store shelf with figurines and shirts and whatever the hell else.
And for christs sake, enough with the “Bring It On” movies, cheerleaders only give me a boner so many times, after that it becomes annoying. No more Saw movies, they’re shit, they’re not great, they’re shit, Saw 1 was fine, Final Destination was fine, anything more than 1 is scraping the bottom of the barrel damnit. Wait, hollywood is already doing that like the music industry….but thats another topic altogether.
This statement will get me criticism: Props to Uwe Boll for Postal.
All in all, movies today are becoming shells of what was once a great medium. Turning books into movies = massive profit, regardless of the quality of the movie apparently. It can be ridiculously shit and still make a fuckton of money through merchandising and all that crap. Whats next? a World of Warcraft movie? Fuck I hope not.
Also, if you make a Video Game into a movie, make it fucking respectable. Postal kept the feel and dark humour of the game and was an epic success in my eyes, but some…..no way in hell. Sorry Uwe, the only reason I watched Bloodrayne was for Kristanna Lokens tits.
If I see another High School Musical released, I will vomit. Musicals ended with Grease. Deal with it.
Crowbar Recommends You See:
-The Boondock Saints
-Pulp Fiction
-Reservoir Dogs
-Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back, Clerks II
-Postal
-The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Television
And back to the fucking vampires. Vampire Diaries, True Blood, blahblahblah, what the fuck happened to good TV? Everything today is shit. Chuck is shit. Glee is shit. True Blood is shit. All reality TV is shit. (Especially Next Top Model). The only reality shows i like are Cops, Cars and Superstars/Bullrun and Air Crash Investigation/Mayday. Fast cars and Planes crashing is awesome. Dollhouse is shit. [Missy: In it's defense, True Blood has boobies.]
Whatever happened to decent programming? The Sopranos, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, The X-Files, alot of the shows from the 90s? Hell, even Captain Planet was fuckin’ awesome. Kids shows today suck. Wheres the decent storylines? wheres the originality? wheres the watchability? Seriously, what the fuck? I can’t say much for TV since there is just so much utter crap on, I can’t even comprehend what i’m seeing half the time. Fuck you Boobahs. Made me want to drop acid to understand that shit.
….Well, atleast Scrubs is still around, I guess that counts for a little less failure on TV networks parts, but still, not impressed. AND ENOUGH WITH THE DAMNED VAMPIRE SHOWS, FUCK YOU, I DON’T CARE ABOUT OTHERWORLDLY SHIT.
This rant was brought to you by Twilight Brand Hemorrhoid Cream and Harry Potters My Fun Dildo kit.
Props for RHPS & Scrubs.
I do feel sorry for whatever those fucks did to JK’s books. Way to fuck up a children’s story, assholes.
On the whole, I agree. TV/Movies need to be more real, less “zomg vampires.”
Word.
Props only for the Tarantino movies. You forgot classics by the Monty Python troupe: Terry Gilliam and John Cleese did spectacular jobs. For that matter, the greatest director of all time is Stanley Kubrick; all his films (yes, including Eyes Wide Shut) are absolute works of art. Finally, you failed to consider a great many foreign films which are being produced today (though you probably consider them too “avant garde” to go near them). Oh well. Close enough.
Ah, this is true, i did forget Monty Python and S. Kubrick, but really, they speak for themselves in their own right, if people don’t know the MP/SK movies, then they’re just flat missing out and fail.
agreed. except the saw movies actually have a decent plot i discovered the other day which was surprising in such an unoriginal peice-of-shit movie making era as this one.