Anybody who starts an essay by defining a term. How many juvenile essays have you seen that begin like this? “Webster’s defines impropriety as blah blah this essay will be read by no one because I am a horribly boring writer.” Why not just announce that you are a moron in the title of your paper? WE ALL SPEAK ENGLISH AND DON’T NEED A DEFINITION IN THE MOST IMPORTANT REAL ESTATE OF A PAPER–THE FIRST SENTENCE. The best part about making this observation is that the people who write like this (and would therefore be the most offended) simply lack the faculties to write back to me and complain. I win!!!

The unbearably little amount of cheese in the regular (not supreme) Taco Bell nachos. WHY!!! Taco Bell, I have sung your praises for so long!!!

Closing after the sale. This is when someone GETS what they want, but continue to argue for it. The other day, I was eating at an Italian restaurant with a bunch of friends, and the waiter was one of those idiots who talks and talks and everyone wants him to leave. Unfortunately, the person who was in charge of coordinating the dinner was the kind of guy who can’t lay it down and tell someone to shut up, so our ENTIRE table was subjected to the most horrendous type of monologue imaginable. Finally, when the guy placed the order (THIS WAS OVER 5 MINUTES AFTER THE WAITER CAME, I KID YOU NOT), the waiter CONTINUED saying why this was a good choice, why it was the softest pasta on the menu, etc. WE ALREADY PLACED THE ORDER. YOU DON’T HAVE TO SELL ANYMORE. PLEASE LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Closing after the sale is also a cardinal sin for salesmen. Watch for it next time you’re out and please just stop the people and tell them what they’re doing. Collectively we can begin shaming these people into stopping talking.

Stupid companies that don’t list their prices on their site. Yes, I understand how enterprise software/hardware works, but that doesn’t mean I won’t single you out and mock you. I worked at an enterprise company and the dirty secret is that–even though there are list prices (which procurement officers have to dig up, explaining why they’re so astronomically high)–they are routinely sold for for 50% off, 70% off, or even 90% off. I guess I understand why there are no prices on the Web site. They might as well put “WHO KNOWS!?!?!” on it.

Girls who overestimate how hot it is to see them making out with another girl. I cannot count the number of times some girls want something and say something like “Are you surrrrre you don’t want to hang out? Who knows what will happen?” (wink, hugs her female friend). Ok. First of all, stop teasing because I have known you since 2nd grade and nothing is going to happen. Second, KISSING ANOTHER GIRL IS NOT AS HOT AS IT USED TO BE. Thank god the Internet has disintermediated your power. Actually, it’s kind of sad to see the vestiges of something that may have worked 4 years ago (you offering to maybe kissanother girl) still struggling to exert influence. Incidentally, let me explicitly say that I am not opposed to this. Just don’t taunt me with it.

ANYBODY who points at the stars and says “Can you see that? It’s the [some astronomical term.] I genuinely believe that literally everyone who says this is lying. YES!!! YOU ARE LYING!!! NOBODY CAN TELL WHAT THOSE STARS ARE!!! And the most amusing part of this is standing next to other people who nod like lemmings and say “Oh yeah…..I think I can see it!!” Can you also see me stealing your wallet?

people who don’t indicate when merging lanes. people who cut me off and then slow down. self-riteous and overly preachy religious people. mullets. malls. mini malls. alternative modern rock which is neither alternative or modern. consumerist whores. toorak tractors. toorak tractors with one small woman and no kids in them. movie directors who are more interested in special effects than plot. the idiot who decided that we should spend billions of dollars putting people in jail for nonviolent drug posession. people who ask me for money. being left stranded in the bathroom without toilet paper. people who talk on their mobile phones while in public restrooms. people who pee on the seat. car stereos you can hear from a mile away. people who borrow my car and bring it back with no fuel. preachy vegetarians/vegans. people who sneeze into their hand and then try to shake. mothers who let their children run rampant in a store. parents who let their children call them by their first names instead of Mum and Dad. swine flu. avian flu. fuck you flu. derryn hinch. that fortune dude who was picked for INXS and failed. pizza/pasta hut. shannon noll. john howard’s eyebrows. chum. tepid coffee. fruitflies. the cold virus. nagging. bad hair day. televised poker tournaments. overcooked pasta. stepping on dog poop. overpaid professional athletes. computer problems. dirt underneath fingernails. stain on my white coat. pollen. ill-fitting underwear that keeps riding up. chapped lips. waiting (for anything). clueless drivers. food particles lodged in-between teeth. hot sauce that is not really that hot. torn bookcovers. too many coins in my purse. limp fries. caffeine withdrawal headache. difficult crossword clue that eludes me. papercuts (especially when pouring lemon juice on it). paris hilton. unilateral headaches. lithicarb and its interactions with decent painkillers. neighbours (not the show). pop music. the way my ipod always ’shuffles’ in the same cycle. gutless wonders. bad grammar. anyone who ever hurt my sister. your family. religion.

Summer is here and the temperature is high. That would be great if I was at the beach, but I’m stuck in a crowded carriage with no airconditioning and all the seats taken, I’m wishing I was somewhere – anywhere! – else.

To keep my mind off the heat, I’ve turned my daily commute into a safari trip. It’s the cheapskate version of going wildlife-spotting by Jeep; it’s hot, you’re stuck in a vehicle and you don’t know what you might encounter but you hope it will be cute and not try to bite you.

Watching the wildlife is hard to do subtly. It’s embarrassing when you get caught looking, especially if you are trying to take a happy snap.

But with just a little practice, you can become quite an expert. Here’s a spotter’s guide to some of the exotic creatures on your daily commute.

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